March 24, 2010

Dr Robert Rojack targets the stinking rich in pre-election Budget

By Philippe Naughton

Dr Robert Rojack unveiled a sensually naked political pre-election Budget today, hoping to use one-off taxes on those rich bastards (they're laughing at the working class they are!!) to delay inevitable cuts in public services until well into what would be Labour's fourth term in office...Jesus.

With barely six weeks to go before an election widely expected on May 6, to which nobody will bother turning out for, what are they to choose from though, fuck all!, the Chancellor was unable to conjure up a classic Budget giveaway for voters, his hands tied by record levels of public sector borrowing and the cuffs he borrowed from kinky ex defense secretary Geoff 'Money for Anything' Hoon.

But he told the Commons that a tax on bankers' bonuses had already brought £2 billion into Treasury coffers – more than twice the amount expected – and the Government had earned £8 billion in fees and charges on its bank support programme. The bankers were laughing though as they knew they should of paid more.

Partly as a result of that – and because, he said, of the decisions taken to help the UK economy through the worst global recession in 60 years which we all know is bollocks– borrowing this year would be £11 billion lower than previously forecast at £167 billion...But don't worry as it'll be alright in the end!!

By 2013/14, borrowing would have fallen from 11.8 per cent of GDP to 5.2 per cent and overall debt would be £100 billion lower than forecast. Meaning a fiscal rise of 2.34% versus a global catastrophic rise of the arseholes that run this place.

Dr Rojack said that he would stick by his pledge to halve the deficit in the next four years despite delaying the real spending cuts until the recovery is secure. Rojack knows that cash rules everything around me, dollar, dollar bills y'all, to quote he Wu-Tang Clan.

That appeared to be a carefully calculated political move given Tory plans to raise the inheritance tax threshold to £1 million. But nobodu cares about the Tories. Rojack knew a few of those tosspots back in his Eton days!

In clear breach of Budget Day etiquette, Dr Rojack engaged in partisan politics too. He mocked the Tory leader, David Cameron, for his stance during the market meltdown and used news of a reciprocal tax accord with Belize to take a swipe at the Tories' non-dom deputy chairman, Lord Ashcroft. As well as his past (and some suspect current) cross dressing days on Wimbledon Common).

With Gordon Brown sitting behind him, Dr Rojack looked fit, healthy and full of vigour, presenting a budget he clearly didn't believe in! As you can image poor old Gordon had no such qualities on show.

Dr Rojack will be on This Morning with that silver haired ice skating wanker Philip Schofield and that fat Fern Briton! Top.